Ever had one of those days where what you expected to happen at work was overtaken by other events? I had one of those one day in 2005 when Hilary Swank came to town. Yes, THE Hilary Swank from Lincoln Nebraska, famous for starring roles in Million Dollar Baby and Boys Don’t Cry.

In this case the criminal Hilary Swank, intending to holiday in New Zealand, busted at the border for illegally importing an apple and an orange. A crime that went all the way to court, where Ms Swank had to cough up NZ$200 for her sins.

However before her day in court, Ms Swank managed several days in the media. Well, not Ms Swank as such. She was remarkably silent publicly on the whole matter. Bless.

But local and international media were had their antennae spinning feverishly. New Zealand media because a Big Star had come here and sinned. International media because they had never heard of New Zealand or biosecurity risk and the whole idea of facing criminal charges for moving an apple and an orange across international borders was completely novel to them and, thanks to Hilary’s lead role, a bit sexy.

So what was my role in all of this?

For my sins, in 2005 I was Director of Communications for New Zealand’s Ministry of Agriculture and Forestry (MAF). MAF had many roles, one of which was being the agency responsible for the Thin Beige Line at New Zealand’s borders, intended to keep unwanted biological matter – dead or alive – out of the country. It had a fleet of x-ray machines, highly trained detector dogs, diligent staff, connections to Interpol, and posters attached to airport terminal walls warning travellers of the consequences of doing the wrong thing.

When the media rang, they got to talk to me.

Fortunately I had advance warning from the troops at the border that Hilary had been apprehended. I expected interest, but not the extent of the international enquiry. Never before had I dealt with media channels such as E!, Entertainment Tonight, Vanity Fair or The New York Times. These enquirers were also no respecters of New Zealand office hours. They also asked some really odd questions. It was all go at my ranch for several days.

Ms Swank, probably jet lagged and unfamiliar with biosecurity, would have made a common mistake of inbound business and first class passengers, by bringing with her for a later snack, the fresh fruit provided by the airline. Regrettably she didn’t see the error of her ways at the time and pay the instant fine to the Nice Man, which is why this ended up in court.

I have never met Hilary Swank. The closest I got was a handwritten note from her apologising for all of the fuss. 

One of the downsides of a summer of cricket is the advertising between each over and at the fall of each wicket. I console myself that by enduring this I am not being asked to personally contribute more to player salaries.

Although the ever-present threat of an Advertising Standards Authority may be a deterrent to advertising claims that are absolutely untrue, advertisers taking liberties with the truth appears to be another matter entirely.

A certain nationwide chain that retails home improvement products is a case in point, glibly promising to better by 15% the price of goods somebody may be able to purchase elsewhere. This particular store will know full well the prices offered to competing chains by manufacturers whose products they share. It also stocks ranges of products unavailable elsewhere. If this chain is so confident that it can’t be beaten on price, how about doing away with the 15% entirely, instead offering to supply the product in question for nothing?

Other manufacturers pander to human fears by making extravagant claims promoting products that are “GE free” or which contain “no growth promoting hormones” as a couple of examples. Other manufacturers’ products won’t contain these items either. They just don’t mention that. An assumption consumers could make from hearing the claims made by the first supplier is that others are guiltily foisting things upon them.

My niece, who has just completed secondary school, was recently talking with a classmate who believed that New Zealand beef and sheepmeats weren’t free range because, if they were, this would be mentioned on the packaging they were sold in. My niece was smart enough to realise the futility of endeavouring to strangle that misconception. People not understanding where their food comes from is not a problem that is going to be solved quickly.

Food labelling regulations are getting better at informing readers as to what may be lurking within products they may choose to consume. Proper labels shouldn’t raise fears or concerns or promote benefits about items that aren’t measurably detectable. Or should they?

These days there are regulations prohibiting the sale of unlabelled processed foods. This was not always the case.

Some years ago I spent a summer working for a sheep and beef farmer in eastern Taranaki, about midway between Stratford and Whangamomona. It was a summer of two notable fires. The first crippled the daily railcar service that ran between New Plymouth and Taumarunui. The second (unrelated) fire saw the demise of a supermarket in Stratford.

With an eye to a bargain, the farmer’s wife stocked up large at an after-fire sale at the supermarket. As well as acquiring many dozen packets of smoke-enriched biscuits, she also invested in lots of tinned foods, all of which had had their labels washed off by fire fighters’ hoses.

Mealtimes were a bit of a lottery from that point forward. Trying to accurately identify the contents of an unlabelled tin by shaking it is quite difficult. I know that peaches and dog food sound remarkably similar but taste quite different.