Yes, that’s right. The planet Mars. That red rock out there in space a ways. Home to Little Green People, allegedly. Space tourism is on its way and interested married couples are being sought, well an extremely wealthy married couple, to boldly go where no married couple has gone before.
What’s being suggested isn’t a sojourn to some plush resort. The Little Green People have yet to construct a Sheraton or Hilton resort. Well the Mars Rover hasn’t been able to find one yet. Just as well, because you won’t be able to land there. Just slingshot around it, take a few pictures and come home again.
That’s 501 days in space. Jammed into a capsule measuring 17 cubic metres – a space not much bigger than Oscar Pistorius’s toilet.
The organisers seem to think that Marital Bliss will make a journey of this duration an exciting experience. I think that their Reality-o-meter needs recalibrating.
This proposed mission is like going for a long drive in the country. A very long drive. A 501 day drive. And you won’t be able to stop and get out of the car. This car will have its doors welded shut. “Are we there yet?”
But wait – it gets better. Your food is the sort that astronauts eat. It squeezes out of a tube. Forget about fresh fruit, some crackers and a shared shiraz or a cleansing ale each evening.
Toilet stops? Here’s the good bit. You have to recycle your urine. And your partner’s. “Recycle” in this context means drinking it. Still interested? Start practising now and work your way up to 501 days. Who knows, you may develop a taste for the stuff. If you’re going to Mars you’ll have to have that sorted.
Bear Grylls has. In fact he loves it so much he has produced a long-running reality TV series to give him opportunities to indulge his passion. Does Mrs Grylls enjoy a long glass of piss at the end of the day? Perhaps, but I suspect not. That’s why Bear has to regularly leap out of aircraft into the world’s most remote places.
Instead of letting couples volunteer for this exciting role, I reckon they should be picked by popular vote. Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are rich and would certainly have the world’s eyes on them, for a while. Britney Spears could be remarried in five years’ time when the mission is due to leave. The possibilities are endless.
Which married couple would you be happy to watch every night on YouTube for 501 days to see how they’re enjoying their visit to and from Mars? Or are you a starter?